Dumbing-down the

world's literary

masterpieces

 

The short-list

 

BBC Scotland recently described Tam O Shanter as 'the tale of a man who stayed too long at a pub'. We invited readers to summarise other world masterpieces in the same fashion. Some entered into the dumbed-down spirit of the occasion; some were too clever for their own good. Here is a selection of submissions:

Ae Fond Kiss
Cheerio, darlin'
John Forsyth
Letting her down gently
Margaret Hurcombe
Nance, you are so chucked, lol
Bill Copeland

Anna Karenina
Married woman having an affair throws herself under a train
Elizabeth Roberts

The Bible
Old Jewish tales of mayhem, mystery and mind-blowing magic
Thom Cross

Book of Genesis
A daily blog, by God
Katie Grant

Brideshead Revisited
Two posh blokes at and after Oxford Uni
Andrew Sarle

Divine Comedy
Italian lad has a wander down, along and up
Richard Dargie

Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde
A doctor's chemistry experiment goes badly wrong
Arthur Bell

Dr Zhivago
Tale of a woman meeting a man on a train
Angus Skinner

The Ginger Man
The tale of a man who, as a result of marital difficulties, goes to the pub
too much
Euan Hendrie

Hamlet
The tale of a man who can't decide whether or not to be
James Robertson
Insane Dane disnae get tae reign
Bill Copeland

Little Women
Four sisters, dad away from home, not much money about
Fiona MacDonald

The Merchant of Venice
A story of high stakes, sunken ships, bad bankers, legal niceties and
feminine wiles
Peadar Ó Donnghaile

Moby Dick
Fisherman with whale fixation
Elizabeth Roberts

Much Ado About Nothing
A lot of bovver about sweet FA (not original)
Noel Chidwick
Ditto
David Kirkwood

My Love is Like a Red Red Rose
Sentimental prick
John Forsyth

The Odyssey
The tale of a man who just stays out too long, way too long
Judith Jaafar
The tale of a man who encounters serious delays on his way home
Andrew J Wilson

Oliver Twist
The story of a boy who asks for second helpings
Catherine Czerkawska

Pride and Prejudice
The tale of a bossy woman who tried to get her daughters married and was mostly successful
Jill Stephenson

The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner
What not to do if a bird shits on you
Craig Weldon

The Sun Rising
A man who doesn't want to get out of bed
Gordon Purvis

A Tale of Two Cities
A tale of two cities
James Robertson

To Kill a Mockingbird
A wee girl finds out that a strange man is really nice
Bob Cant

Treasure Island
The story of a seafarer with one leg and a parrot who goes looking for treasure
David McGill

Ulysses
A day in the life of a man
James Robertson
A man spends all day looking for a better cheese
George Gunn

Villette
The story of a teacher who fancies her boss
Catherine Czerkawska

Waiting for Godot
The tale of a man who keeps missing an appointment
Andrew J Wilson

War and Peace
War, peace and a lot of and
Sandy Mathers
The story of a man who stayed too long in Moscow
Paul Cochrane
The story of a man who spent too much time with a pen
Barney MacFarlane

Whisky Galore
The demise of a politician
Jimmy Stirling

The Wizard of Oz
Farm girl suffers concussion after storm
Fiona MacDonald

SR pens to all those on the short-list