The Cafe

Onthank I
Arthur Bell

Islay McLeod's article about 'The Scheme' (a programme I never saw) brought to mind a family phrase about 'big schemes'. My wife was on the then PM's election planning team for Scotland, and the then secretary of state said, and he genuinely meant it:
     'We have to do something about the peripheral estates.'
     He was stopped by Susan:
     'Malcolm, the people who live there wouldn't know what a 'peripheral' estate is. They think of it as a 'big scheme'. You need to talk in the language that the voters understand.' Or words to that effect.
     The trouble with so many of our masters is that they concentrate their daily reading on the Scotsman, so they don't know how those others who are not headmasters, bank managers, or meenisters communicate.
     Good article and very telling. I was horrified by the description of the attacks on the academy.
     'It would never happen in Edinburgh', one would think. Yet my alma mater there was the scene of a riot in which a baillie of the city was shot. But that was 300 years ago.

Onthank II
Miller Caldwell

It was 1983 I became a reporter to the children's hearings. The office was at 66 John Finnie Street above the butchers. My caseload was Kilmarnock and Loudoun. Yes, some children came from Onthank and Shortlees to the hearing centre but so too did some panel members.
     I remember one Shortlees family well. The father was a regular drunk and never attended his children's hearings. The hearing was set for 2pm. He was a violent man according to the social worker's reports but I had a warm spot for mother doing her very best in difficult situations economically and educationally. I informed the hearing that it had just gone 2pm and as dad never came, we might as well start. They asked for an extra minute to elapse just in case he arrived.
     So I went to the waiting room to explain the situation. 'Mrs. Craig [not her real name of course], the chairman wants another minute just in case your husband arrives. But I doubt that. He's never been to a hearing yet so I think we can forget him and start without him.'
     Now this should have been good news for her but her face was white. She sat petrified with her mouth open. I was perplexed. Then she turned to look at the wall behind the door I was holding open. I followed her gaze. There to my horror was an agitated drunk man, the very Mr Craig of pages 2, 3 and 4 of the social worker's report. He started to get up from his seat. I had to act quickly. I thrust my hand forward saying: 'And it is a pleasure indeed to meet you Mr Craig at last. I am very pleased to see you.' His clenched fist opened, we shook hands and started the hearing.
     Well that was a Shortlees case. I think you might appreciate this Onthank child's remark. She sat at the hearing transfixed by a panel member's ample bosom and her hands clasped in font of her.
     'Hey Mrs. Are they falsies?'
     The panel member heaved herself together and replied: 'No, my dear, they are God given'.
     Our Onthank pupil looked perplexed. 'I meant yer nails, are they falsies?'

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