The Freezin Midgie

Herne Hill, south London, at 9.30 on Monday morning

The remote southern city of London, formerly known as 'Cool', has recently been reduced to a wasteland of boarded-up boutiques and empty Michelin-starred restaurants offering a two-course businessman's lunch for 99p. A strange-looking man called Gordon Brown wanders the deserted streets crying 'British jobs for British workers', while the power stations close down, the fourth bank bail-out of the week fails, shares collapse, three million throw a sickie because, hey, it's the first Monday in February and another four members of the House of Lords deny any wrongdoing. To this catalogue of misery, incompetence, deceit and madness, the Midgie is proud to announce the discovery of a phenomenon which threatens the very fabric of metropolitan society: weather.
     Weather was first spotted in northern Britannicus some time ago and has encouraged its own distinctive argot among the peasantry, e.g. 'It wid freeze the ba's aff a brass monkey'. However, this odd freak of meteorology came to light in London only in the early hours of Monday morning.
     Although information is scarce, the following 'facts' are being widely circulated on internet sites:
Weather is sometimes called snow.
Snow is sometimes called 'a white hell'.
Snow is white in colour.
When snow falls, it can be enough to cause widespread disruption.
Widespread disruption can be minimised if precautions are taken in advance.
Precautions are never taken in advance because no one believes that weather exists.

The Queen Mother, unconcerned by an outbreak of weather, February 1931

A few old geezers in the east end claim to remember a previous outbreak of weather when the Queen Mother visited docklands in 1931.
There is no possibility of buses because who wants to drive a bus in this weather.
There is no possibility of trains because it's the wrong type of snowflake.
There is no possibility of tubes because everyone down there is as bolshie as hell.
There is no possibility of snowploughs operating because it's snowing.
There is no possibility of the schools opening because the schools are never open anyway.
There is no need for three million workers to throw a sickie. They have found the perfect new excuse.

Channel 4 presenter before weather was invented

Jon Snow has been renamed Jon Heavy Accumulation.
Heather the Weather has been renamed Heather the Severe Weather.
You are advised not to travel again until the May Bank Holiday unless your journey is strictly necessary. Then take the day off. It's a holiday, after all.

It's not his fault

Gordon Brown says the weather is 'not defensible'. 'It's Russia's fault,' he told the BBC.
Robert Peston's leak is frozen.
The weather denies any wrongdoing.

Leicester Square – a dramatic symbol of climate change as London's nightlife is overwhelmed by weather