On the Buses (ITV3)
A strange woman in a red jacket mutters endlessly on the top deck about something called a second referendum, warning her bemused fellow passengers that it is almost inevitable, likely, very likely, increasingly likely, getting more likely by the day, very nearly necessary, almost certainly very necessary, probably inevitable, inevitably likely, and maybe coming to a cinema near you. Anyone who attempts to converse with her is accused of 'disrespecting Scotland'. She leaves the bus at the foot of the Royal Mile, continuing to mutter to herself in the same disconcerting fashion.

Six O'Clock News (BBC1)
Another chance to see that Oscars cock-up. Plus: expert analysis of its important place in world history.

Countdown (C4)
In a change to our advertised programme: the dramatic seconds before the wrong envelope is opened.

Escape to the Country (BBC1)
A land far, far away – not to be confused with 'La La Land' – where they have never heard of the Oscars cock-up.

Live House of Lords (BBC Parliament)

Life inside a care home, including exclusive access to residents who popped their clogs yonks ago but are still drawing their three hundred quid daily allowance for doing bugger all.

Dragons' Den (BBC2)
A businesswoman from Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon, offers the dragons a 1% share in the Scottish economy in exchange for a blank cheque. 'This is the worst pitch I've ever heard in the den', Peter Jones barks at her. 'You'd be better trying the IMF'. The hapless entrepreneur leaves with nothing, complaining in the lift that the dragons have 'disrespected Scotland'.

Neighbours (C5)
Story of a typical weekend of bloody violence and arbitrary death in the streets, pubs and homes of Scotland, a country where nothing bad ever happens.

The Replacement (BBC1)
New drama series set in an imaginary land about imaginary characters: the Glasgow middle-class. All except the chief suspect, who is English.

Top Gear (BBC2)
Yet another fatal crash in rural Aberdeenshire involving boy racers.

Location, Location, Location (C4)
A programme in which a deeply annoying pair are shown round a number of ghastly houses by a second even more annoying pair and decide after an hour that they don't want any of them.

Game of Clones (E4)
Fly on the wall documentary filmed inside the Scottish cabinet. The woman from the bus in the morning is sitting at the head of a long table still raving about a second referendum and being calmed down by the friendly ghost of St Eck.

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2
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1
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