Things to avoid on holiday

Sand
Grainy, irritating substance much favoured by the holiday-making classes for lying on all day in order to develop skin cancer and read illiterate novels about sex. As Noel Coward once wrote of the British seaside resort: 'There's sand in the porridge and sand in the bed/And if this is pleasure, we'd rather be dead'.

The Salmondmobile
A touring limousine often containing a suspiciously cheery character (opposite) and his friend, an ancient film actor. They are both fond of golf, so best give Troon, Prestwick, Gleneagles and St Andrews a wide berth (as if you would be seen dead in any of these places anyway).

The man from the Express
If you see this chap behaving oddly on your holiday beach, go up to him and say: 'You're the man from the Daily Express and I claim my £5'.

The Midgie says: For the benefit of younger readers, I should explain that the Daily Express, in glory days almost beyond recall, did indeed employ staff like the gentleman above to scour holiday beaches handing out fivers to unsuspecting tourists who identified him from his picture in the paper.

Midgie summer special...

A to Z of holiday misery

By Glen Eagles, Our Travel Editor


Abroad
Popular holiday destination once succinctly described by George VI as bloody.

Air
Common mode of travel by holiday-makers going to bloody. The Midgie says: Hope for a mid-air disaster before your day of departure. It will make them more careful next time.

America
Why visit this popular destination only to be ritually humiliated by immigration officials? Dylan Thomas said he went to the United States in pursuit of his life-long quest for naked women in mackintoshes. The Midgie maintains that this is no longer a good enough reason. You can find naked women in mackintoshes anywhere these days. See: Bulgaria; Pitlochry.

Arran
Has anyone ever had a good word to say about Brodick? If so, why?

Award-winning
An adjective applied to all tourist attractions, hotels, restaurants and journalists.

B & B
Small residential establishments run by former members of Hitler's personal guard. See also: Luxury B & B (as above, with en-suite shower).

The Black Isle
It isn't black and it isn't an isle. The Midgie believes it should be re-named 'The'.

Car
The private mode of transport favoured by holiday-makers who wish to travel for hundreds of miles without seeing anything.

Complimentary/complementary
Two words of different meanings, often confused by hotel-keepers and other ill-educated officers of the 'travel trade'. When you are invited to have a complementary drink, make sure that it is free (i.e. complimentary) and not simply an invitation to order an alcoholic beverage with your meal (i.e. complementary).

More holiday capers » » »

Dull
Small Perthshire resort, a byword for holiday tedium. Boasts a bus shelter and a number of sheep, all uniformly dull. A place to get away from it all, and quite likely never be seen again.

Edinburgh
The Reykjavik of the South

Europe
A place summed up by an Englishman who, having walked its length and breadth for several years, was asked what he thought of it. 'I never look up,' he replied.

Giant's Causeway
Aptly summarised by Samuel Johnson as 'Worth seeing, but not worth going to see'. See also: Abroad, America, Europe.

Perth
Promotes itself as 'The Perfect City'. It isn't perfect and it isn't a city. The Midgie believes it should be re-named 'The'.

Toilets
Name popularly given to seaside lavatories closed due to vandalism.

Trains
The Midgie advises that, in order to be sure of catching one of these, you should miss the one before. As a rule, travel by train can be divided into two classes: first-class and accompanied by children.

The Midgie-In-Chief's official vehicle

Common as it is to take a holiday, I have been advised for health reasons to spend the next fortnight in a recuperative spa. I shall be back...