The staff holidays

A quick guide
to the missing
fortnight

Still nowhere to be seen – missing for yet another fortnight

The new Mayor of London – bit of a windbag

The Broken Society Lounge – permanently in mourning

Shettleston Man – hopeless case

A group of consumers who have tightened their belts – except the one with the red bag, the only man in Britain still rich enough to shop at Marks and Spencer

As the nights start to draw in...

It's been a poor summer

'Nothing happened for a whole
fortnight' – official

The following non-events occurred during the Midgie's unavoidable absence when it was decided, by higher authority, to 'close the office' in the interests of 'giving everybody a break'. The Midgie notes that little of benefit seems to have been achieved by this extraordinary policy, the staff having returned just as quarrelsome and annoying as ever. The Midgie is, however, relieved to be able to report that absolutely nothing happened for a whole fortnight.

Non-events in alphabetical order:

Alexander, Wendy. Strange little person, said not to be very nice to civil servants, who resigned as leader of the Labour group in the Scottish Parliament. Largely unlamented and fast becoming a distant memory. See also: Euro 2008.

Boris. A hurricane which did little damage and eventually dissipated over the Pacific, and therefore not to be confused with the Mayor of London of the same name.

Broken Society. New pub in Shettleston.

Buns and Guns. New restaurant in Beirut in which diners eat to the sound of recorded gunfire. The imaginative menu includes such dishes as 'rocket propelled grenade' (aka chicken on a skewer).

Bush, George W. As the president entered his final half-year in office, San Francisco prepaped to vote on a proposal to provide him with a 'fitting monument' – the George W Bush Sewage Plant.

Church of England. Once powerful religious institution which collapsed without anyone noticing.

Consumers. A group of worried people who started to 'tighten their belts' and have now resorted to shopping at somewhere called Lidl.

Euro 2008. A football tournament, once the most important thing happening anywhere on the planet, but so instantly forgotten that James Dull, our Assistant Sports Editor, could not remember who won it when we managed to contact him in the Goldberry Arms late one evening. See also: Weem, Flora.

Glastonbury. After 15 minutes staring at the screen, the Midgie can find nothing of interest to say about this non-event. Er, a lot of people stood in a field, stoned. Will that do?

More non-events to follow » » » » »

God. See McGrunt, Andy.

House-builders. Had their chips. See also: estate agents.

Lucan, Lord. Remained missing, despite the Midgie's best efforts to publicise his regrettable disappearance from public life.

McGrunt, Andy. Reached the quarter-final of the All-England Men's Tennis Championships (held annually in Wimbledon, Outer London) when, as predicted by the Midgie, his French opponent blew a gasquet. The whole nation was enthralled. McGrunt then went down to defeat to Rafagrunt ('Long Breeks') Nadal, the eventual winner and the whole nation was less than enthralled. Meanwhile, one of the Williams sisters defeated another of the Williams sisters and the whole nation expired of terminal boredom. This annual event is now over for another 49 weeks. There is a God. See also: God.

Mugabe, Robert. Elected to an important political post without competition. See also: Brown, Gordon.

National Health Service (NHS). Failing institution which celebrated its 60th birthday in hospital, contracted a super bug, and is now in intensive care.

SOS. The distress signal celebrated its centenary, but it was revealed that the acronym does not stand for Save our Souls, but stands for nothing at all. See also: Brown, Gordon.

Typo Eradication Advancement League. New organisation in the United States set up to eradicate grammatical errors and 'make the US a safer place for spelling'. One of its leaders has aleady been thrown out of a bar for trying to correct a sign that said 'cake's'.

The Midgie says: Spot the genuinely accidental typo in the above paragraph