The Heid Midgie

Winter
Journeys II

MEMORANDUM

To: All Staff
From: Your Leader

Is this shovel big enough? It eats children

I have reluctantly decided that, in view of the continuing vagaries of the weather, the school should remain closed indefinitely – possibly until the early summer, when an unexpected thaw may cause flooding problems, necessitating a further regrettable closure, though not prolonged beyond the end of term, when an exhausting and, frankly, rather stressful academic year will come to an end and I shall at last have time to afford mature consideration to the possibility of early retirement on health grounds, a happy eventuality contingent upon the offer of a suitable severence arrangement.
     Those few members of staff who have not already, to borrow rather coarse terminology, 'bunked off', or who are not already 'dogging it' in town, may well be speculating loosely upon the reasons for my decision. Such members of staff should be aware that it is my responsibility as your chief executive to follow the approved guidelines and eliminate the more obvious risks attendant upon approaching the school grounds in any circumstances, however deceptively propitious (i.e. between the usual severe precipitations).
     I am bidden, for example, to protect the welfare of our esteemed jannies by considering the size of the school shovel so that the said shovel 'does not place extra strain on the stomach, back and abdominal muscles' and, in taking this precaution, prevent the possibility of 'over-exertion'. Having inspected our own shovel, I cannot be sure that it satisfies this vital requirement.
     Likewise, I am instructed that a 'one metre wide path' must be cleared from the entrance to the school, that 'moving and handling' assessments must be conducted to determine whether wheelbarrows are required to move grit, and that '6mm of rock salt and grit sand mix' must be used on surfaces that are prone to ice. I am further informed that 'the general use of salt is not an automatic defence to a claim if someone is injured by a slip or a fall' and that I must take due cognisance of the difficulties faced by staff in driving in potentially dangerous conditions. I must in particular 'take into consideration disability, nervous or new drivers, four-wheel drive and other things that affect ease of journey'. Teachers. What are they like?
     My duties do not cease thereupon. Far from it. I am admonished in the latest diktat from Central HQ: 'The safety of pupils on their journey to and from school and the nature of that journey will need to be considered. The safety of pupils once they reach home will also need to be considered.'
     Think about this, colleagues and friends, parents, students (as I have learned to call you), Romans, countrymen. I am a man in late middle age, bowed down by bureaucracy and idiotic rules, facing an almost certain premature death, and yet, in this abject condition, I must also consider what awaits our charges when they return to that worrying place called home. Dear God, it is beyond tolerance. I refuse to do it. I have the education of my pupils to consider. The school will remain closed. The first snowball's on me.

Editor's note: All the guidelines quoted by the Heid Midgie, including the size of the shovel, are real ones.