Personal assurance of the week
'I am not in another galaxy' – Theresa May

Negotiating position of the week

Theresa May warning Jean-Claude Juncker that she can be a 'bloody difficult woman'

Euphemism of the week
'Brussels gossip' – Theresa May's preferred view of her disastrous dinner

Dodgy timekeepers of the week
Brussels bureaucrats, who failed to agree on how long it took for the 27 leaders of the EU to agree their tough negotiating stance on Brexit
1 minute (according to a first official)
15 minutes (according to a second official)
4 minutes (according to Donald Tusk)
There was, however, unanimity on what the leaders had to eat on this momentous occasion: duckling and baby turnips. No mention of anything being stuffed – apart from the hapless British, of course



Word of the week
Mugwump – applied to Jeremy Corbyn by Boris Johnson, apparently with pejorative intention. Since J K Rowling appropriated the term for her international confederation of wizards, it has come to mean anything that people like Boris Johnson want it to mean. 'Why did Boris Johnson use a word from Harry Potter?', asked the baffled tribunes of the mainstream media, unaware that the original mugwumps were principled members of the Republican party in America long, long ago – or 'back in the day' as we must now learn to call anything that happened before social media

Geographer of the week

Paul Nuttall, successor to Farage as 'leader' of Ukip, who is standing for election in a place called Boston, which he identified from photographs as Aylesbury, a town some distance from Boston

Statistician of the week
Diane Abbott, who informed a radio interviewer that the cost of recruiting 10,000 extra police officers would be around £300,000 a year: an annual salary of 30 quid

Turnout of the week

12%: the percentage of Unite members who voted in the election which saw the return of Corbyn's chum Len McCluskey. The turnout for the Scottish local elections is expected to be marginally higher

Strong leader of the week
Jeremy Corbyn for his personal credo: 'I recognise strong leadership as equipping you with more power' – this from the man exercising his power to destroy what's left of the Labour party

Bank holiday of the week

More or less any Monday in recent history. According to the Centre for Economics and Business Research, each bank holiday costs the UK economy £2.3 billion. By that reckoning the cost of Corbyn's four extra bank holidays will be £9.2 billion – £6 billion more than the paltry extra he intends to spend on education in England and Wales

Most inconsequential news of the week

'Blogger Jack Munroe' is standing for something called 'the health party', a fact of enormous interest to the Guardian and BBC but of no conceivable interest to anyone else

Lost deposit of the week
Blogger Jack Munroe's

Forest of the week
The one in which Theresa May reportedly chose to address 200 of her followers in Aberdeenshire. There were complaints that the forest was so remote that journalists, poor souls, could neither tweet nor broadcast from some community hall in the middle of it

Mystery of the week
Why, then, did the Midgie distinctly hear Theresa May's speech on the BBC that night?

Lines of Duty
(1) Preposterous climax of BBC cop series
(2) Slightly more credibly, Theresa May's promise not to increase VAT

The election issue that dare not speak its name
The consequences of Brexit

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1
Upfront
Scotland's awful politics
GERRY HASSAN


The Midgie
with Bob Smith


Election Forum
How the Scottish Greens managed not to mention the environment once
JOHN MCGRATH


Election Notebook
Scraping the barnacles
DAVID TORRANCE


The Week
Am I becoming a media tart?
WALTER HUMES


Nannie's Diary
The darker mysteries of public transport
NANNIE SKÖLD


Sharp Talk
So many universities...how do you choose?
RACHEL SHARP


The Cafe


Memoir
Excursion to Camelot
R D KERNOHAN


The Local
ISLAY MCLEOD


Books
The real story behind May Day
MORELLE SMITH


History
Islay's amazing captain
GEORGE ROBERTSON