Unasked question of the week
'What exactly do you mean?' The one Andrew Marr should have asked when Jeremy Corbyn proposed a Trident missile system without, er, missiles

Unanswered question of the week
With oil prices tumbling, why is The Midgie's local taxi firm still charging the same fares and why has he not heard from his utility company about an immediate reduction in the cost of his electricity?

Footwear of the week

The 'nice pair of shoes' that the male half of the Lottery winners from Hawick intends to buy with his share of the £33 million

Job of the week
'Head of Fun' at the Peebles Hydro. A hotel that The Midgie will be avoiding in future

Entrepreneur of the week
Mark Hetherington, a benefits claimant, who assured the Department for Work and Pensions that his anxiety was so severe that he couldn't get out of bed or brush his teeth unaided. Undercover investigators found him performing erotic dances in a strip club under the name Ian Kignito. His lawyer told the court: 'My client accepts he should have told the department that his confidence had improved'

Pass the sick bag, Alice
1. David Bowie's 'secret resting place'
2. Middle-aged journos and luvvies writing at length about what David Bowie meant to them
3. The 'secret' last words of Ken Barlow to the dying Deirdre

Top 5 bores of the week
1. The puddle in Newcastle that went viral
2. David Cameron's plan to make the UK a nation of 'tiger mothers'. The Midgie wonders what happened to his earlier inspiration, the Big Society
3. The divorce of the resistible Gary Lineker
4. All those one-sided matches at the snooker
5. The falling sales of Cadbury's Creme Egg

Critic of the week
Deborah Ross, film reviewer of the Spectator, who wrote of her feelings on watching 'The Revenant': 'Oh, God, please let this be over soon'.

Stats of the week
59%: Percentage of UK citizens who continue to define themselves as Christian
14 million: Number of books no longer in British public libraries since David Cameron came to power

Wit and wisdom of David Bowie (continued)
'I believe very strongly in fascism...Adolf Hitler was one of the first rock stars'
'You've got to have an extreme right-wing front come up and sweep everything off its feet and tidy everything up'

Idiotic statement of the week

From Corbyn's favourite organisation, the Stop the War coalition, reacting to North Korea's testing of a nuclear bomb: 'We call on the US to stop stoking the tension, end its provocative exercises, drop the sanctions and seek dialogue'

Drawings by Bob Smith

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Kenneth Roy

We are all doomed: the experts who spread
the politics of panic

Main articles
Walter Humes

Secrecy of the dons: what do our universities have to hide?

Alex Bell

The SNP leaders are Thatcher's children to
a person

Gerry Hassan
No higher purpose or vision: the malaise at BBC Scotland

Alan McIntyre

Is is possible to draw a new map for the
Middle East?

Chris McCall

The new bridge will not be enough. We need
to bring back the ferries

Anthony Seaton

The island off Edinburgh desecrated by
drunken Scots

The Cafe: Readers' views
The Midgie: Passing events
Despatch: Alan Fisher
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Sport: Craig Brown
Cartoons: Bob Smith

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