Mysteries of the week
1. Why the right-wing buffoon Boris Johnson is so popular with our friends in the south
2. Why the media (including the BBC) continue to refer to him in headlines by his first name, as if he were some well-loved family dog
Best argument of the week for a second Scottish independence referendum
Another day in the life of Scotland
'Man guilty of raping sleeping woman'
'Man faces street death murder charge'
'Man in court over baby death'
(BBC Scotland headlines, 22 February 2016)
The Midgie's better late than never award
To Muriel Froomberg, a 107-year-old Londoner, who attributes her long life to giving up smoking at the age of 102. By then she had puffed her way through an estimated 1.5 million fags
Presidential gaffes of the week
1. Marco Rubio's claim that it is 'Morning again in America' accompanied by a shot of the sun rising over, er, Vancouver
2. A Donald Trump ad about security on the US-Mexico border accompanied by footage of migrants fleeing, er, Morocco
What you should know about the Brexit bunch (Part I)
Not so Priti Patel has castigated British workers as 'the worst idlers in the world'
Good news of the week (the only piece of that commodity the Midgie has been able to find)
The 150,000 penguins feared dead in Antarctica may simply have waddled off, according to a new scientific opinion
Quote of the week
'We need another hit, guys, we need another hit'. – Paul McCartney after he and some pals were barred from a party because the bouncers didn't recognise him
The Lamington Viaduct award for new rail horror of the week
The news that the Queen Street tunnel will be closed for 20 – repeat 20 – weeks, which will increase journey time between Glasgow and Edinburgh (or Edinburgh and Glasgow, if you prefer) to between 70 and 90 minutes
Percentages of the week
28: Percentage of Labour voters who would be upset if their child married a Conservative
46: Percentage of NHS psychologists suffering from depression
Haircut of the week
Given to anyone living in Norman Wells, Canada, a township without a hairdresser for two years, who undertakes the 17-hour drive to the nearest salon