Judge of the week
'When you retire you must reach verdicts on which you are all agreed. I will only accept unanimous verdicts. 12-0 is the only possible score' – Judge in the Adam Johnson trial, 1 March 2016
'He was found guilty by a majority verdict' – press reports, 2 March 2016
The same judge (Jonathan Rose) then told the former Sunderland and England footballer to 'say goodbye' to his daughter, the daughter in question, a baby, being too young to comprehend any such farewell
Getting it right for every child (GIRFEC)
Every child? What about Bailey Gwynne – and his assailant?
Ego of the week (1)
Salman Rushie, a writer of books, who 'needed consoling' every time he failed to win the Nobel Prize, according to his ex-wife
Ego of the week (2)
The Scottish Conservative leader, Ruth Davidson, who is so convinced of her star status that the words 'Ruth Davidson for a strong opposition' will appear next to her party's name in the regional ballot paper for the Scottish election
!!! of the week
The decision not to allow children in English primary schools to use an exclamation mark at the end of sentences except in sentences which begin 'How' or 'What', as in 'How exciting!' or 'What a lovely day!'. The Midgie, when called upon to correct copy submitted by contributors to the Scottish Review, is constantly dismayed – good word – by the number of gratuitous exclamation marks he finds himself excising from submitted work. The Midgie therefore welcomes this small concession to the restoration of grammatical standards.
Gowns of the week
The ones worn by miscellaneous luvvies in 'Doctor Thorne' (ITV), the new 'Downton Abbey', heaven help us
Name of the week
'Cressida Bonas'. Either a character in 'Doctor Thorne' or one of the ac-tors: hard to tell the difference
Question of the week
Employees of the week
The workers at the Royal Palace of Caserta museum in Italy, whose director has incurred the wrath of the unions for working too hard. The 63-year-old boss admits that he routinely works 12-hour days. 'Such behaviour puts the whole structure at risk', the unions say.
Law suit of the week
The truck driver in Turkey who is suing his wife for insulting the president. (Every time the president appeared on screen, she hurled obscenities at the television set)
emails of the week
The many mourning the death of ray@tomlinson, the creator of that stressful invention, the email
Fine of the week
£70 – the one imposed on a man in Vienna for 'offending public decency with a loud belch next to a police officer'
Quote of the week
'I like easy books that put me to sleep immediately' – Umberto Eco (who won't require any more cures for insomnia)
It's nearer than you think
The Malmaison hotel chain is already advertising Christmas dinners