Speech of the week
The Midgie announced, to wildly cheering crowds at a convention centre in Dunipace,
that he would be going on tour in the summer to receive the adulation of his grateful people. He modestly prefers to call it 'a national conversation’. Yep, another
one. The aim is to persuade the softies who voted 'No’ in September 2014 to break away from Denny and set up an autonomous, fully functioning, approximately literate Dunipace.

The Midgie intends to 'build a new case’ for an independent Dunipace. He can think of a few things right away.

1. Denny thinks we’re crap. We’ll show them, bring it on, aye right Jimmy, etc etc

2. Although the people will be broke, they’ll be happier on their own, divorced from nasty Denny

3. Every citizen will have a Named Person from the cradle to the grave. The identity of the Named Person will never be divulged

4. It will be the greatest wee place in the world to bring up kids. The schools will be
'very safe’, give or take the odd fatal knifing

5. There will be no opposition. Instead the ruling party will be re-elected by acclamation; no need even to vote

6. That’s about it, really.

The Midgie has no intention of 'browbeating’ the idiots into changing their minds. He regards the case as compelling enough to be won by reason alone. Cue standing ovation, fawning press

Old person of the week
Joan Bakewell, 82, who has promised to 'have a break from Twitter’ after her crass comments on people with anorexia

News bulletin of the week
The main news of the night on BBC1 when the death of someone called George Martin
was reckoned to be the most important news of the day, anywhere in the world. It was the night that the BBC finally died – sorry, 'passed’ – as a serious news organisation

Question of the week
What do the following unappealing people have in common?
Michael Gove
Andrew Lloyd Webber
Bob Geldof
A lot of Jaggers
Tony Gallagher (Who? – Ed)
Rupert Murdoch
Barry Humphries

Answer of the week
They were all present at the same ridiculous wedding in London. Note: Gallagher appears to be editor of the Sun

Two good women gone
Anita Brookner and Margaret Forster, neither of whom fancied such absurdities of their trade as book festivals

Confession of the week
That of Maria Sharapova, dressed from head to foot in mourning black. She even managed a joke about the disgusting hotel carpet

Mother of the week
Madonna, whose children are required to share her vegan diet, are banned from watching TV and eating sweets, and whose clothes are confiscated at once if they are found lying on the floor

Son of the week
Madonna’s boy Rocco, who refuses to return to his mother

Sex change of the week
Evelyn Waugh, who squeezes in at a plucky No. 97 in Time magazine’s list of top 100 female authors

What next?
George Elliot in Time magazine’s list of top 100 male authors

Over-used phrase of the week/year/decade
'Project Fear’

Party of the week
After students at a college in Maine, USA, wore mini-sombrero hats to a tequila-themed
birthday party, the college authorities said they were investigating 'a possible act of ethnic stereotyping’ and offered counselling to any student affected by the incident. One of the offenders has been ordered to undertake 'active bystander training’

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'Scotland is the country above all others that I have seen in which a man of imagination may carve out his own pleasures'

In episode 2 of Dorothy Wordsworth's tour of Scotland, the party moves on to Thornhill, Wanlockhead and Leadhills, where Dorothy is astonished to find a library containing a book which cost £30 – the average annual wage of a local miner. Click here for Dorothy's Scottish journey

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Kenneth Roy

FOCUS: A new theory which could explain the baffling silence from the crew before their helicopter plunged into a crowded bar

Walter Humes

The mysterious Scottish sponsor of the new scheme to bankroll independent candidates

Jean Barr

EDUCATION: Why has civic Scotland nothing to say about educational disadvantage and so much else?

Alan McIntyre

THE TRUMP PHENOMENON 1: How has the party of Lincoln become the party of Trump?

Gerry Hassan

THE TRUMP PHENOMENON 2: His popularity is a portent of much worse to come

Tom Morton

RADIO: Nick Robinson now sounds like a man who can speak his mind without fear or uncertainty

Craig Brown

SPORT: The death of Walter McGowan was a poignant reminder of parental inspiration in Scottish sport

Also in this edition


and Bob Smith

The end of debate?

Jonathan Brown

Alasdair McKillop

Mother's Days
Click here for Gerard Rochford's March poem

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