Dinosaur of the week
Peter Alliss, still the BBC's chief golf commentator at the age of 85, who supported the decision of the so-called 'Honourable Company of Edinburgh Golfers' to continue to exclude women from its membership. Alliss, who is worryingly known as 'The voice of golf', suggested that women would be unwilling to pay the membership fees and that if they wanted to play at Muirfield they should marry a member. The Midgie, who has recently developed an unhealthy aversion to golf, wonders if its sinking popularity may be connected in some way to the clubhouse bores so well personified by the BBC's chief golf commentator.

Prize shits of the week
The board of Manchester United football club who let their cup-winning manager hang on all weekend before confirming that he had been fired – a fact well-known to the entire world by Saturday evening. The entire world apart, that is, from the hapless Louis van Gaal, who was still happily surmising that his team's success might actually mean something to the 'legends of the game' who call the shots at Elderly Trafford.

Goalposts of the week
The ones ripped up by the supporters of Hibernian FC celebrating their victory in the Scottish cup final. The Midgie may have only dreamt that the first minister (Supreme Named Person) tweeted afterwards that her 'thoughts and prayers' were with the goalposts – 'at this difficult time'.

Tasteless victory procession of the week
The open-topped bus through Edinburgh the day after the scenes in Glasgow

Over-rated recreation of the week/year/decade
Commercial sport

Flight of the week
The one to Majorca which had to be diverted because of the 'rowdy' behaviour of the delightful Glaswegians on board. Wha's like us, damn few, haw jimmy, etc etc.

Least surprising news of the week
Mr Hosiery's resignation the day before he was due to come face to face with his estranged wife's close friend, the Supreme Named Person

Word of the week
'Frosty'. The reception Mr Hosiery was expected to receive from the Supreme Named Person

Phrase of the week
'Frosty doesn't come close'. An alternative view of the Hosiery-Sturgeon encounter, which The Midgie understands is to be made into an award-winning film starring Serena Cowdy as Nicola Sturgeon and Brian Cox as the tragic Hosiery.

Islay's pic of the week
Rothesay revving up for the bank holiday weekend

Pretendy wee parliament of the week/year/decade
Scotland's. Even The Midgie is impressed by the hyperactivity of our legislature. To quote from its official website: 'Meetings normally take place in the Chamber on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons and from late mornings on Thursdays'. How charmingly 19th-century. So many new powers, so little time to do anything with them...

Jest of the week
The report that Kezia Dugdale of something called 'Scottish Labour' intends to create a 'leader's political office' on the back of her impressive performance in the recent pretendy wee parliament elections and to fund it by clawing £150,000 from the staff allowances of her pretendy wee parliamentary colleagues – allowances met by, er, hum, ho, haha, the endlessly indulgent public of Scotland.

Joy of the week
Grace Dent's hilarious column in the Independent about Corbyn and his mates somehow managing to press the 'send' button to 350,000 Labour Party members addressing all of them as 'Dear Firstname'.

Puns of the week
'Footie perv Johnson joins Permier League' (Adam Johnson is working as a hairdresser in prison)
'They think it's maul over' (Naked man attacked by two lions)
'I'm Holden out to bed Amanda' (Sexual aspiration of a 'Britain's Got Talent' competitor)
'Purr have you been for 9 years?' (Missing cat found)
All in the Sun ('Scotlands best-selling paper') in Monday's edition

Question of the week
Isabel Hardman, political columnist of the Spectator magazine, speculates in the current edition that, in the event of a narrow victory for Remain in the EU referendum, there may have to be a second referendum. The Midgie wonders whether, in the event of a narrow victory for Leave, the same would apply – or whether the issue would then be deemed by the Brexiteeers to be 'settled for a generation'.

Terrifying stat of the week
Trump has closed to within 3% of the dismal Clinton in the latest poll

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