We are delighted to introduce an occasional series (which can be defined as a series that never gets beyond the first instalment) devoted to national days, which will be of particular interest to the many readers who are interested in, um, national days.
Looking ahead to April, as one tends to do at this time of year, we have been able to identify – 'source' as they say in posh circles – no fewer than 149 national days in April, ranging from National Sourdough Bread Day on the 1st to National Kiss of Hope Day on the 30th.
Space, alas, does not permit us to name them all – space rarely does, for which we are eternally grateful to space – so what follows is a personal selection by Midgie staff with explanatory notes in each case.
National Hug a Newsperson Day (4 April)
If you are wondering which newsperson to hug this year, you could do a lot worse than give a collective embrace to the brave souls who were 'locked down' in the Palace of Westminster after last week's 'attack on democracy', penning with shaking hand potentially award-winning despatches on the day they stared death in the face, etc etc.
National Walk Around Things Day (4 April)
Although we have been unable to 'source' the creator of this important day, which coincides with National Hug a Newsperson Day, it is understood that 4 April is a day to avoid problems and risks by simply walking around them. Theresa May, for example, will simply 'walk around' Nicola Sturgeon, while the Daily Mail decides which leader has the better pair of legs.
National Go for Broke Day (5 April)
Nicola Sturgeon – Mrs Sturgeon as the BBC seems to think she is called, the truth being that she is really Mrs Murrell – may feel it propitious to celebrate National Go for Broke Day by announcing an 'advisory referendum', a snap election, or UDI. She would then have a road map to independence on a day that also happens to be National Read a Road Map Day
National Cherish an Antique Day (9 April)
An annual day commemorating the life and times of Ken Clarke.
National Big Wind Day (12 April)
A day for remembering the country's leading generators of hot air. Each year, the day is dedicated to a different Big Wind. In 2017, the short list includes John Suchet of Classic FM, Bill Turnbull of Classic FM, Anne-Marie Minhall of Classic FM and anyone who 'reviews the papers'. But the bookies' favourite is LBC's Alex Salmond, who could also be the inspiration for National Big Wind-Up Day, should anyone think of starting one.
National Columnists' Day (18 April)
This year we think fondly of Scotland's very own Lesley Riddoch and Iain Macwhirter for their ability to say the same thing over and over again, week after week, year after year.
National Talk Like Shakespeare Day (23 April)
On this national day, when we refer disobligingly to people and events, we are invited to do so in suitable epithets.
'The lady doth protest too much, methinks' (Nicola Sturgeon)
'I cannot tell what the dickens his name is' (this will probably do if you must refer to a typical male member of the Scottish parliament)
'All that glisters is not gold' (North Sea oil)
'Nothing will come of nothing' (Brexit)
'Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments' (Nigel Farage and Douglas Carswell)
'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!' (Jean-Marie Le Pen)
'Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing' (Donald Trump)
The Midgie warns his reader that he is not quite finished with April's many national days and may return to the theme next week.
No national days were harmed in the making of this column; and, believe it or not, all of them really exist.